Giving Up - NEVER

I won't, I won't, I won't....I say this in my head as I mentally stomp my feet.

I won't let my back problems run my life AND I don't. Every day brings new aches and pains but I handle them the best I can. I limit myself on pain medication because that is not how I want to live my life.

I am regularly questions why I stay so active OR if I really hurt that bad I couldn't be active. Well, I will remain active as long as I can walk. It doesn't feel good on my body but it does on my brain. I work really hard to overlook the pain by the power of my brain and prayers to God each night.

I often question...Why me? I hate when I do this but I am only human. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone else but Why Me? As much as I want a cure for cancer and many other diseases, I want a cure for scoliosis. In most cases it is a genetic disorder where a gene mutates 10-11 years old and causes the curvature of the spine. Most cases of scoliosis never require surgery and are pretty mild. I was not so lucky. On the day of my first surgery, April 3, 1997, my back was 63 degrees off. Yikes! I didn't look too terrible and it didn't even hurt but it HAD to be fixed. It has been a struggle ever since then.

Three surgeries later and I still haven't found an relief from this pain. I keep wondering if I should stop trying to find a fix and just deal with it. I want to find a fix so I try something different all the time.

I still run occasionally but it is not good for my body, it is good for my brain. I figure if I am going to hurt I might as well hurt doing something I like.

My only request is that my children do not inherit this terrible disease. I think that would be even more painful than what I go through each day. We will do genetic testing when they are of age to see if they have the dirty gene that causes scoliosis. I keep praying that God will answer this one wish.

I have often thought of writing a children's book about scoliosis. I still know so little about the disease that I know it is all overwhelming for a child to absorb. One day....

I thank God each day for bringing David to me. He is so helpful and has been with me since my first surgery as a 15 year old sophomore. His support means everything to me. I am sure it is not easy for him to live with sometimes because there are lots of things that I can't do but he never complains...I do enough for both of us.

At 29 I want to feel 29. I would rather feel 29 than look like I am 29.

Pitty Party OVER!!!!!!!!